OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
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The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
😏😏😏
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.