old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
A game married people play.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My five year plan is a meteorite
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE