Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.