Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.

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You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.


If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?


Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything


How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.


I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.


[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over


It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.


[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?


Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.


Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack