ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
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Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
🤣✨#caturday
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.