old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
You Might Also Like
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat