Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
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Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.