Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero