Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
HR said no more nunchucks.
can’t believe I got front row seats