DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.