[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

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tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead


The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed


My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?


The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.


I have 2 words for you:


Also, I may be high from paint fumes.


I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.