@AbbieEvansXO

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

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@rohoxbaby

tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead

@KimJongSean

The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed

@LuvPug

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

@semple42

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

@lovejulieacafe

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

@LnL245

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.