older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
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One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine