older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Oh we’ve met.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
can’t believe I got front row seats
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Lmaoo 😂
