Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]