@laurenlapkus

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

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@beardofprey

last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house ūüėÄ

@Davesub10S

Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.

@EmilyFreestone1

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

@BuckyIsotope

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

@huntigula

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

@isabelzawtun

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

@BoLenerf

Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.

@PaperWash

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL