@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”Pundamentalism”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3430342833/2313195883ea8b1008670c050efecd37_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347090235580092416″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”104″;s:5:”tweet”;s:128:”Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

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@mynameisntdave

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

@jonnysun

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

@AOC

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

@chrisdelia

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

@_NinJar

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

@Izianikapani

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

@captain_happen

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

@EndhooS

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@TheHyyyype

If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.