Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
new shirt idea
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I think they could have phrased this better
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do