@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”Pundamentalism”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3430342833/2313195883ea8b1008670c050efecd37_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347090235580092416″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”104″;s:5:”tweet”;s:128:”Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

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@realHamOnWry

I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head.

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@dril

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

@LostFelicia

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

@wickedsuga

Maybe the baby wasn’t on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.

@MiddleageM

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

@a_simpl_man

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

@brennadine

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody