Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?