@notthattom

older woman => young dude: cougarnolder man => young women: manthernolder man => younger men: faguarnolder woman => younger women: sheetah

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@gfishandnuggets

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

@daemonic3

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

@lexclem

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

@FrogAvalanche

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

@PoshTick

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding

@stewiecoffee

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

@MilesKlee

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

@DaddyJew

relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep