Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Current mood: Potato
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands