Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Europe. Made in Germany.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”