@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

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@c12h22o11balls

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

@JustBeingEmma

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

@fowlerism

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

@WilliamAder

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

@nypost

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

@pmclellan

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@TheToddWilliams

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-