olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
You Might Also Like
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
guilty
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
fired
This could’ve been an email.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.