olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

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TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me


Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.


DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in


“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile


Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America


To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.


I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.


ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me