DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
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It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Cucumbers Anonymous
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.