olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Good advice.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I have never related to a cat more
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.