Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
HELP 😭
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!