Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
The 6 types of sex
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!