{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’d use my best pan on you.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.