this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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Mistakes were made
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day