“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”