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@JennSlowpez

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

@Audenary

(WW1 1915)
ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan?
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…

@TheAlexP

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@pakalupapito

Alarm Clock:

a device that wakes up almost everyone in the house

except for the person who had set it.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

@SummerCandyEyes

I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.

@Stonekettle

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

@jwoodham

Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”