All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
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ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan?
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
a device that wakes up almost everyone in the house
except for the person who had set it.
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”