Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
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Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Ugh
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”