5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’d hang this in my house.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses