“Annie are you ok?”
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I’m broke, but still a little fancy.