@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

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@SteveSuckington

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

@ericsshadow

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

@WheelTod

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

@korryduke

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

@Adam14

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

@Thynebear

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

@SergioValenCo

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

@MegsHAUSTED

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

@rolldiggity

I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I’m broke, but still a little fancy.