OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
#CatsOnTwitter
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Yep.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.