@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

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@Browtweaten

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

@stephenjmolloy

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

@philyuck

Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
What?
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”

@OctopusCaveman

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

@just1fool

Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!

@dubouchet

When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)

@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

@mrmakethings

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually