Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

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*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell


imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy


*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!


[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes


Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack


[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!


[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?


It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…


When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.


Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.