*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!
When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*