@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

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@PickleRudd

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

@pyaaristochill

imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy

@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@moron_online

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

@Chhapiness

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

@panmidwest

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

@david8hughes

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

@meghaffer

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

@hero_ofthenight

When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

@IncrediblyRich

Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.