I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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A new breed of stupid…
One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin