OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.