OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
and now we wait
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”