OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
A choir of Spring onions
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.