OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
it must be school picture day
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
u spoke cat all this time??????
Mmmm canned fish.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me