OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Food gives you energy to nap more.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Look at this
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too