OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat


[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat


SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason


The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.


My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever


If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.


some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]


My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.


[wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body]
What are you doing?
“Uhh, SOMEONE said I don’t glisten very well?”


-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?