OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.