Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
The international address of Twitter
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Your potato salad recipe is not a “family secret”, your uncle Ray who cooks meth in his trailer home is a family secret.
How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
stop saying you wish and start saying you will
“Retweet! Retweet!” yelled the German Commander as we invaded Normandy