OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!