People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Order here:
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”