Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’ve had worse
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
58.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.