ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*
DATE: I’m not that impressed
ME: I should have done it before you got here
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
You Might Also Like
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“Omg I have a cat?”