“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
At least my masseuse has my back.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.