@J0hnnyBlaze

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

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@ArfMeasures

ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here

@CantWaitToNap

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

@justabloodygame

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

@bossy_bootz

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

@krisv_723

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

@mexinonblonde

I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.

@KentWGraham

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

@mijamtweets

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

@OllyiConic

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it