“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
You Might Also Like
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather