Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon