@echo262

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

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@EdgarAllanLo

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

@Bill_Nye_tho

i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don’t like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals

@iwearaonesie

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@Darlainky

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

@PimpBillClinton

To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.

@imchriskelly

Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.

@Shen_the_Bird

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

@dafloydsta

[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?

@AbbyHasIssues

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.