My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don’t like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”
I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??
Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.
I love Jeff Goldblum.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.