Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
You Might Also Like
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
is this store having a stroke wtf
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.