@LurkAtHomeMom

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

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@nbadag

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@FrazzleMyGimp

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

@sploosk

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

@AnthonyM334

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

@Gooooats

Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.

@ChadKroeber

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

@UnFitz

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

@3sunzzz

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

@Mom_Overboard

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@BigRadMachine

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?