Omg I’m so thirsty-

*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH

*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE

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Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses..

Me: Nah, I’m afraid you’ll see how high I am


Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.


Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.


-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright


A tip for those of us who work at screens all day:

1. Unclench your jaw
2. Twist your torso from side to side
3. Arch backwards til you’re upside down with your hands and feet on the floor
4. Laugh
5. Spider crawl across the room
6. Devour someone whole
7. Haunt the witnesses


Nothing says summer like being pushed back into the ocean because a group of kids think you’ve beached yourself.


When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.


“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”


A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.