“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon

You Might Also Like


I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.


guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.


Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.


ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked


7 y/o daughter: Why don’t they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape?

And now I know what Einstein’s parents felt like


I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.


ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK


The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”


Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation