@Sickayduh

“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon

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@FloodyHippie

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

@keplyq

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

@fro_vo

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

@Mr_Kapowski

7 y/o daughter: Why don’t they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape?

And now I know what Einstein’s parents felt like

@TheBoydP

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

@batkaren

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

@luckyshirt

The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”

@PhilJamesson

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation