Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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Wife: *tells me weekend plans*
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?