OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.